Let’s take a break from the “getting old” talk, because I need to talk about vertical dramas.

If you don’t know what they are, they’re basically tiny soap operas made specifically for your phone. Episodes are only a few minutes long, they’re filmed vertically, and the plots move at approximately the speed of a toddler who just heard you open a bag of chips.

I started watching them out of curiosity. But now I have opinions.

Where Did These Things Come From?

The format became hugely popular in China, where bite-sized, phone-first dramas turned into a massive entertainment industry. Many of the English-language versions we see are adaptations of Chinese stories or heavily influenced by the same storytelling style.

Which explains…a lot.

The billionaires. The powerful families. The arranged marriages. The secret heirs. The dramatic revenge. The woman everyone thinks is poor who turns out to be richer than everyone in the room.

Sometimes the stories are translated or adapted so literally that you’ll hear two supposedly American characters having a conversation and think: No American human being has ever assembled those words in that order.

And yet, somehow, that’s part of the charm. It’s part soap opera, part romance novel, part telenovela, and part fever dream designed specifically for your phone.

The Rules of the Vertical Drama Universe

There are certain laws of nature that simply do not apply here.

So. Much. Slapping.

There is an extraordinary amount of slapping in vertical dramas.

Everyone slaps everyone. Mothers slap daughters. Wives slap mistresses. Mistresses slap wives. Fathers slap sons. Bosses slap employees…it’s a little on the ridiculous side. I’m convinced that wealthy grandmothers are also apparently walking around with their dominant hand permanently warmed up and ready to go.

Also, nobody calls the police. You can slap someone across the face in a five-star restaurant and everyone just stands there looking mildly concerned.

Apparently, assault is less of a crime and more like a strongly worded rebuttal.

Money Has No Meaning

Someone will perform a relatively ordinary act of kindness and receive a card with three million dollars on it.

I helped a woman reach something off the top shelf at the grocery store once. Where the hell was my mysterious billionaire?

Also, apparently billionaires have an unusual amount of pull.

Need someone’s medical records? One phone call.

A DNA test rushed? Done.

Security footage from a random restaurant? Already on its way.

Need someone fired, blacklisted, arrested, kicked out of a hospital, or banned from an industry?

Give the billionaire five minutes.

Billionaires Also Have a LOT of Free Time

These men supposedly run multinational corporations, yet they are never working.

They’re following women around, investigating pregnancies, entering contractual marriages, arguing with their mothers, dramatically appearing in restaurants, and attending an astonishing number of galas.

Gravity Works Differently Here

At some point, the female lead will fall.

It doesn’t matter where she is. Office. Restaurant. Completely flat sidewalk. Eventually, her ankles simply stop functioning.

Fortunately, the male lead is always exactly fourteen inches away and possesses the reflexes of a jungle cat.

He catches her. She gasps. Their faces are suddenly three inches apart. Romantic music plays. Sometimes there’s a little spin.

I once watched a woman trip over her living room rug, fly across the room toward a closed front door, open it while still falling, twirl around, and land perfectly in the leading man’s arms.

Yes. That actually happened.

But my personal favorite is the trip-and-kiss: She trips. He falls. She lands on him. Their lips meet.

Nobody Talks to Each Other

Approximately 97 percent of these plots could be resolved with one conversation.

“Wait, you think I slept with your brother? No. I was actually helping him.”

THE END.

Instead, everyone overhears half a conversation, makes the most catastrophic assumption possible, and refuses to discuss it for the next 47 episodes.

Communication would absolutely destroy this industry.

Medical Science Is Doing Its Best

Pregnancy tests appear exactly when required. DNA tests are constantly being stolen, altered, switched, or dramatically revealed. Amnesia is an occupational hazard, and hospitals have the security of a roadside fruit stand. People wander into rooms, threaten patients, steal records, switch babies, and leave without encountering a single employee.

Someone Is Always Secretly Someone Else

The waitress you’re humiliating? She’s an heiress.

The broke girl your family doesn’t think is good enough for you? Her grandfather owns half the city.

The quiet woman everyone has been treating horribly? She’s a world-famous surgeon and the long-lost daughter of a billionaire.

At this point, I would be exceptionally polite to everyone. You never know who secretly owns the coffee shop, the building it’s in, or possibly the entire state.

And Here’s My Problem

These shows are ridiculous. I know they’re ridiculous. Sometimes I’m actively making fun of them while continuing to watch them.

But somewhere between the secret babies, contract marriages, surprise inheritances, kidnappings, evil relatives, billionaires, and competitive slapping, something unexpected happened: I started noticing the actors.

Because some of them are really good.

Not “pretty good considering the plot involves a falsified DNA test, a secret pregnancy, and an evil stepsister” good.

Actually good.

Some of these actors and actresses have incredible screen presence. They can take completely absurd material and make you care about the characters. Some can deliver genuinely emotional performances that have absolutely no business hitting as hard as they do.

Which leads me to my next rabbit hole…

Because yes, we’re going to talk about the insanity of vertical dramas. But we’re also going to talk about the people who are quietly acting the hell out of them, and why aren’t they more mainstream?

Welcome to my latest obsession.

Please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times.

Unless someone insults your family’s honor.

Then just slap them.